Planning a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, vegetarian feast for 18

WHAT? WHY? Have I taken leave of my senses?

It is a combined birthday celebration for my grandson and partner. They both eat anything and everything, as do I. However, members of one family are variously gluten-free and / or vegetarian. One of my daughters eschews sugar, the other dairy. It can be a problem. All the rest are vigorous carnivores and omnivores. I once served a meatless casserole and you should have seen them all digging around the serving dish, searching surreptitiously for the non-existent chunks of meat.

Fortunately I have a week off work, so I have time to spend planning and preparing.

I have considered and discarded the idea of making everyone eat gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, vegetarian food. For a start my son-in-law is Argentinian, and he would think I was abusing him. Beyond that not one person would actually be happy with the selection (the vegetarians are hooked on sugar, the dairy free daughter would get no protein, etc, etc ), and the essence of the celebration would be lost.

Ah, you may say, “But the food is less important then the company”. Well that may be, but in my family the food is bloody important. If you do not show love through food you do not love! So I have to figure out how to feed – show love to – this eclectic group of people. Thank god no one has a nut allergy – or do they? Note to self, “no nuts”.

So I have it sorted I think. There are gluten-free dishes. There are vegetarian dishes. There are gluten and animal protein free dishes. There are dishes with meat. There are sugar-free dishes. There are dairy free dishes. There are dishes with dairy and sugar. There are no nuts except as a separate nibble. What have I forgotten? I always forget something and offend someone. When I had an alcohol-free son-in-law I had to pretend there was no sherry in the trifle when I forgot and got that wrong, but we are not having trifle this time. Too complicated anyway, since it has dairy and sugar and alcohol!

I have spent the whole of this afternoon sorting it all out, and doing most of the shopping for ingredients. The next couple of nights I will start cooking and freezing or refridgerating. On the day I will haul everything up to the Lounge on the roof of my apartment building, because my apartment does not fit 18 people. I will have to get up early to set it all up so that I have effectively usurped the tables and space I need. The wine and drinks get loaded into the fridge upstairs. I bring table cloths, plates and platters, napkins, cutlery, food, tea towels, rubbish bags – you name it I bring it all upstairs in the shopping trolley that lives in the basement. I will cheat a little and use the glassware in the cupboards in the Lounge kitchen.

Then I set about making it look nice – maybe some flowers. Mustn’t forget to set up a music system.

You can see I have done this before.

About 20 minutes after the time I asked them to come (or sometimes 30 minutes before) people will start arriving. None of them will be able to figure out how to get into the building no matter how many times they have come before, so there will be a series of calls on my cell phone requiring someone to pop downstairs to admit each group or individual. My mother will arrive with whoever I have persuaded to collect her, and create a huge disruption until we finally have her settled in a chair and carefully explained who anyone is she has not met before, and even some she has met before. My 3 year old grandson will have to be inveigled to interact with anyone other than his parents or Johan, until he gets his bearings at which point he will become the focus of all attention for the duration, and perform like a seasoned entertainer.

We will eat (a lot) and drink a bit. Everyone will relax. Mum may or may not make some embarassing comments. Everyone will talk over the top of everyone else. We will raise a toast to Johan and Nolan. Hopefully, a good time will be had by all.

People will eventually leave. In a straggling manner. No hurry, no rush. I am happy for anyone who wants to linger.

Then everything goes into reverse. We (someone always helps) pack up, clean up, load up the trolley again and take it all back downstairs. Empty the Lounge fridge or what we leave behind will be drunk by the time we remember it is there. Vacuum up the crumbs. Downstairs dirty dishes go in the dishwasher or the sink. Linen straight into the washing machine. Leftovers given away or into the fridge.

That is when I collapse. All over. Job done. Till next time.

I would, of course, not have it any other way.

Happy birthday darling boys.