I hope this is not becoming a habit.
Insomnia comes in bouts. You would think, having slept little the night before, that you would sleep like a log the next night. But it is not so. It turns out I can function perfectly well on 3 hours sleep per night for days on end. It is not the long day following a sleepless night that bothers me. My body seems not particularly to notice the lack of rest. It is the hours in the middle of the night I am awake that bother me.
Once upon a time I could always sleep. There were years when life was crashing down on me in waves, but my saving grace was that I could always sleep. I would go to bed overladen with stress and fear and wake the next morning ready to put one foot after the other. For years I lived like that, getting through each day as best I could, falling into a deep sleep, and living to fight another day. I would get up each morning and urge myself forward with the thought that I could go back to bed and sleep again that night. And I did, until degree by degree things got better and life turned on an upward curve.
Two things changed my sleep patterns. One was menopause, and god knows that is bad enough. Waking in a cold sweat with night clothes so soaked in sweat you have to get up and change and then move to the dry sheets on the other side of the bed is no ones idea of fun. Menopause eventually passes, but in my case at least, my body has lost the ability it once had to self regulate temperature efficiently. Now, if I awake for any reason during the night, my body flushes with heat. I fling an arm and a leg out from under the cover to cool down, or sometimes throw the whole thing off to lie naked on the mattress. It only lasts for 10 minutes or so, by which time I may have fallen asleep again, only to wake chilled to the bone until the cycle starts again. The trick is to stay awake just long enough to cool down and pull the blankets back up again. A balancing act I have gotten better at over the years.
The other thing that blew my sleep pattern right out the window was knee surgery a decade ago. Having an artificial knee is better than not being able to walk, but it means I cannot lie in one position in bed for any long period of time. I have never been able to sleep on my back without having nightmares so I lie on my side. Legs straight would be my preference but the knee joint does not like that. In the foetal position with one leg stacked on the other soon leads to pain and discomfort. Slinging one leg forward of the other is good for a while, but twists my spine putting stress on my lower back and hip. I have tried using a pillow for support, but I cannot tolerate anything that restricts my movement. On a bad night one or both hips will join in the protest and I will toss and turn to seeming eternity.
One way or another it is a red letter day (or night) if I sleep right through till morning,but usually I do go back to sleep and get through most nights in blocks of 2 – 3 hours without long wakeful periods in between. I can live with that.
Then sometimes, as in the last fortnight, insomnia sets in. I wake, go to the bathroom, cool down and release muscle tension by the act of getting up and moving around, but sleep does not return. I do not normally leave the bed for more than the minute or two it takes to go to the bathroom. So I lie sleepless, for hours at a time. Typically I may fall asleep at 5.30 or 6 am, just in time to be woken up to get ready for work. Occasionally I will get up and do something – write a blog for instance. But I do not wish to make a habit of it.
I am sitting in my office with the door shut so that the light does not disturb Johan asleep on the other side of the apartment. There are no cars going past at this time of the night, so it is very quiet. When I look across the lane that separates my apartment block from the one opposite I can see that none of my neighbours are up. The lights in the lane are on, but all the apartment windows are black. I can tell this is the case for both buildings because a light on in my building will reflect in the windows opposite. I have been sitting here for an hour already – not just writing, checking my emails and other things as well. I know that in the next little while the neighbour opposite but one floor up will be awake and out on his deck smoking and pacing. No matter what the weather he is up before anyone else and outside in a t-shirt and shorts pacing, just pacing. I feel the same way.
This morning I actually woke a little before 2 am. Recovering from a cold my nose was blocked and Johan the same so that he was snoring up a storm. I tried to sleep for an hour or so. Did all my yoga breathing tricks but nothing worked. In the end I gave up and resorted to writing. I wish sleeplessness brought with it some profound thinking or brilliant breakthroughs in the miasma of ones life. But sadly it does not. So 2 ½ hours after I awoke, I am going back to bed!
Good night 😴.